Something About Nothing by Julie Seedorf

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” I heard these words spoken by adults in my life as I grew up, but I wonder if they ever believed them because words can break our spirits and our hearts.

I will admit, years ago I believed abuse had to be physical to be regarded as harmful. We now I know that is not true. We are, as a society, becoming more aware that verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse, and in many cases verbal abuse leads to physical abuse.

I talked to a victim of verbal abuse. Her name again has been changed to protect her identity. Charmaine didn’t think of the harm the verbal abuse in her marriage was having on her. Growing up in a quiet and gentle household, she was shocked the first time her new husband told her she was dumb and stupid when she played the wrong card in a game of 500, humiliating her in front of their friends.

As the years progressed, Charmaine couldn’t do anything right. She was told she was ugly, wasn’t smart enough to support herself, and when she tried to work she didn’t make enough money. Nothing was ever enough and the tirades would go on for days. What was right in her husband’s eyes one day was never right the next. Charmaine never knew what to expect when she woke up in the morning. She never knew what she might say that would be wrong. She tried changing what was deemed as wrong but it was never enough. Most of the time the verbal abuse never happened in public although at times if he made fun of her she would laugh it off as a joke, never letting on how much the verbal chastisement broke her heart. The public saw an entirely different man.

Charmaine said after a few years she believed she wasn’t smart, she was ugly and who would want her? She began to question every decision she made and lost all confidence in herself. She felt she must deserve the verbal onslaught.

I asked Charmaine why she didn’t leave. “He was always sorry, and I thought tomorrow would be better and it wouldn’t happen again. And where would I go? I wasn’t strong enough or smart enough to get by on my own. At least that is what I began to believe after all the years of being told that. And it was never physical.”

Charmaine is an adult who after years sees there is a way out. But verbal abuse isn’t just happening with adults, it is also happening with our teenagers too. A situation I encountered at River Hills Mall one day shocked me into that realization. I was waiting in a hallway, and a young man was next to me. He was waiting for his girlfriend. When she came out of the restroom, he was upset with her for some reason and verbally began swearing at her and calling her names. She calmly accepted what he was saying, and they both walked away down the hall. I was shocked at what had happened and wondered if I should have said anything. I wonder if young women believe this form of conversation directed toward them is acceptable.

A recent article in the New York Times “What Teenagers Are Learning from Online Porn” states what boys are seeing online may shape their treatment of the girls and women in their life. The article included interviews with adolescent and teenage boys, where they admitted online porn sometimes confuses them because they think what they see online is what girls may want.

Are we preparing our young girls and women to know verbal and physical abuse by boys their age or older is not something they have to endure? If we as adults, such as Charmaine, can’t see the difference, then how can we expect our girls to respect themselves and demand respectful behavior from the males they come in contact with?

Do these confusing messages lead to verbal abuse or even rape of girls? Do our young men know that age difference matters? An 18- or 19-year-old with a 14- or 15-year-old can lead to problems because of the difference in maturity. Do we teach our children that vulnerable teenagers do not have the same thinking skills as others and may not understand what they may or may not be consenting too? That, too, is abuse. We need to give our younger generation the skills to recognize abusive relationships.

We see verbal abuse on our television, in movies and we watch as it plays out in our schools in the name of bullying, but bullying behavior happens behind closed doors every day and, yes, it is abuse. The problem is these mixed messages we get from society make it hard to make a decision as to whether what is happening in our lives is abusive or normal behavior. If a person has lived many years with verbal abuse, that is normal behavior to them.

In an interview with Police Chief Tim Brennegan of the Wells Police Department, he stated, “Any time there is a verbal attempt to cause fear or the victim is shaken, it is abuse.” He went on to say if the police are called, and they see this, you can be arrested for verbal abuse.

Things have changed from the “olden days,” and there is help available if you see yourself in any of these situations. However if you need help, look for a credible source with the proper credentials to help you. There are places out there to help abuse victims but do not have the proper procedures or counseling in place to help or keep you safe.

Brennigan stated there are cases of abuse in small towns. In Wells alone, from January 2017 until my interview, which was sometime in the fall, there were 17 cases alone in the community of Wells. I focused on my community. Take the time to find out more about yours.

According to Brennigan, domestic abuse calls are one of the most dangerous for law enforcement. Their main concern is keeping the victim safe before backup arrives. Usually they separate the parties and talk to the person who called. They also may call a crime victim advocate to help. They will arrest and charge for both physical and verbal abuse if the need is there.

If you need to know more about the resources available to you, please call your local police. In Faribault County and Blue Earth County you can reach out to a CADA advocate (Committee Against Domestic Abuse. CADA is an organization in Mankato and has a safe house. The number is 800-477-0466.

In Freeborn County you may call the Crime Victims Crisis Center at 507-377-5460.

At both of these organizations, there are people on-call 24/7 to assist you. There is also a nationwide domestic abuse hotline. The number is 800-799-7233.

You may also visit for Blue Earth, Faribault, Le Sueur, Nicollet, Sibley, Waseca and Watonwon Counties, http:cada.mn.org. Or Freeborn County, https://www.co.freeborn.mn.us/192/Crime-Victims-Crisis-Center, and the National Hotline http://thehotline.org.

Lori Moore of Beauford died this past week at the hands of her husband. She was the victim of domestic violence. Her life mattered. So does yours.

“In violence we forget who we are.” — Mary McCarthy

Wells resident Julie Seedorf’s column appears every Monday. Send email to her at hermionyvidaliabooks@gmail.com.