Tales From Exit 22 by Al Batt

 

Dear editor:

I have never written a letter to an editor before, but I am outraged. Actually, I’ve never written at all before, so please forgive any errors in spelling.

I have a complaint about a man and people in general.

Yesterday, some guy wearing a “You can’t fix stupid” T-shirt called me a filthy varmint just because I was enjoying a delightful repast of peanuts and sunflower seeds he’d placed in his backyard bird feeder. He didn’t understand that every day is Casual Friday to a squirrel. I’d like to see him sprint headfirst down a tree.

Look, I’m cute and athletic. I’m a bundle of energy and I don’t need to use caffeine or any kind of performance-enhancing drugs. If I had a reality TV show, I’d be a superstar. I know that and you know that. Yet, people try to stymie me at every turn. I think it’s a liberative or maybe a conserval conspiracy. I can’t tell those two groups apart.

That guy chases me away from the feeder. He pounds on the window of his house while issuing vile threats. He places baffles, Slinkies and obstacle courses around his feeder in a feeble attempt at keeping me away. “A spring, a spring, a marvelous thing!

Everyone knows it’s Slinky. Bounce up and down just like a clown.

Everyone knows its Slinky.“ Bah, humbug!

To me, bird feeders are squirrel feeders. This man puts pepper on the sunflower seeds he’s placed there for birds. He thinks birds won’t notice and I’ll be offended. I can’t believe he did that. Pepper! I love the stuff! How about putting some gravy on the seeds. A nice white frosting would be just the ticket.

He put a weight-sensitive mechanism on the bird feeder. Come on! I’m sensitive about my weight as it is. No wonder I chew up your feeders. Everyone knows that stress is bad for us. You’re trying to eliminate your stress by passing it along to me. You think squirrels are bothersome? I have one word for you — bears.

If I think I’m being watched by someone wanting to pilfer my food, I’ll pretend to dig a hole as if burying the acorn, but tuck the snack back into my mouth and bury it elsewhere. If you don’t want me to steal the food you put out, why don’t you try doing that? Look I like you, at least more than I like fleas or dogs. So knock it off with those cussed squirrel-proof feeders. All it does is waste my time and make me work harder. I’m squirrel-proof proof. I’ll figure things out. I’m smart. I’m a problem solver. If you want to get rid of me, elect me and send me to Washington, D.C.

Another thing the man who yells at me does is drive a car. Cars are confusing. People blame squirrels because we tend to run out into the middle of the street and then stop. So? The fastest human runner does the same thing. Who starts running and never stops other than some political candidates? Squirrels attempt to run the world by running across the road. I have two problems with cars. I’m not indecisive. I have an earworm. “Should I stay or should I go?” It’s a little known fact that squirrels are huge fans of The Clash. Secondly, there is a voice in my head that says, “There’s a car coming, I’d better run across the street.” I can hear the voices in my head because I don’t have a cellphone. Besides, I’m not the only one who is confused around cars. I’ve seen you drive.

And don’t get me started on guns. Too late! Squirrels are in favor of complete gun control. No human should be allowed to have even a squirt gun. It’s not just squirrels that feel this way. Deer, pheasants, ducks and geese support a ban on guns.

Look, if I were Wile E. Coyote, I’d order a trampoline from the Acme Corporation and no bird feeder would be beyond my reach.

I need food and I can’t order pizza. I require fat for insulation. Have you had a good look at where I live? It’s made of leaves, for crying out loud! That’s right, leaves. It’s only one room, but utilities are included.

So, mean guy, behave yourself or your new bird feeder gets it.

You’ll pardon me for saying so, but humans are nuttier than squirrel droppings.

Signed,

The Squirrel

(Yes, that squirrel.)

Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Saturday.