Men and Women

My mother had a big purse. She kept everything she owned in it.

My father had no man-purse. He had a shed. He kept everything he ever owned in it.

Dental Distress

I broke a tooth. I blamed it on excessive flossing.

It reminded me of my boyhood years when I saw the dentist once a year. We had a dental plan. When I complained about a toothache, my mother would respond, “Chew on the side that doesn’t hurt.”

The Legacy

I attended the funeral of a friend. I was there to pay my respects and to celebrate her life. Comfort was found in the company of others. We circled the wagons and the good people at the funeral provided a sense of abundance. There was awareness, even at this time of great loss, that we are fortunate people.

After the services, I shared a table in the church basement with friends and it occurred to me that legacies are incredibly far-reaching. Losing a good friend is heartrending, but part of her legacy was bringing us all together. It was a time to remember how blessed we are to know who we know.

The Golden Age of Television

Our TVs were of the previously owned variety.

We’d get a new used set and it would be situated atop the old used set because my father had declared that he would get around to fixing the old TV one day. He never did.

The channel selectors were typically the first part of the TV to break. There weren’t many stations in those days, but channel flipping was still an enjoyable sport for men. The selector would fall to the floor. Glue and tape were utilized in a futile attempt at saving the dial that indicated the channel numbers. Finally, the family would give up and use needle-nose pliers to change the channel.

One year, the TV on top had audio, but no video. The TV on the bottom had video, but no audio. We’d turn on both sets and the pliers would be employed to adjust the channels to match the sound on one TV with the picture on the other.

Back in those days, there were no remotes. That’s why the families were large. That way, fathers always had a child to command, “Change the channel.”

The Bachelor Life

I was 18 years old and living in a house with 14 other people. It was my first time living away from home. I moved into my room without much luggage. I had a radio, a wind-up alarm clock and a toaster.

The toaster was of utmost importance for my nutritional needs. A toaster is a tanning booth for bread. In those days of yesteryear, sliced bread was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

I ate three square meals a day—usually toast.

Shopping for Memories

On more than one visit to the dime store, my mother would remind me, “Look with your eyes and not your hands.”

Cell Phone Follies

I have a cell phone. If a car worked as often as a cell phone does, no one would be driving. I am on the “every other word” plan. It’s cheap, but the folks on the other end hear only every other word. I have fooled the cell phone company and their insidious plans to drive me insane. I say only every other word.

You Know What I Miss?

The guy who pumped the gas at the service station. As the gas flowed, he would give a weather report, highlight the community calendar, give a restaurant review or two, offer directions and tell a joke. All this while cleaning my windshield. I miss that guy.

My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys

Hopalong Cassidy, Roy Rogers and Gene Autry were my role models. They never started a fight, never needed a shave, never talked loudly on cell phones at inappropriate times and were optimistic.

These were good guys. You could tell because they had six-shooters that held over 1,000 cartridges each.

It bothered me a little when Roy or Gene would burst into song for no apparent reason and that Hoppy didn’t wear a white hat, but they were heroes. If you waved at them, they waved back.

The Doily Rule

When my ancestors came to this country, they built a barn so they’d have work. Then they built a house so they would have shade. They marked their territory by planting lilacs around the yard.

My mother marked her territory inside the house with doilies. A doily is a small ornamental mat, usually made of lace or linen. If an object had a doily on or below it, it was not to be moved.

It was the Doily Rule.

Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.